With valentines day coming up I can't help but to think about how happy I am to not have a "boyfriend" to spend it with. By happy, I mean I truly happy. Why is this?
For far too long I let a boy run my life. He decided what was, or wasn't ok for me to do, what I was allowed to like, who my friends could be, when I could see my friends, basically how I spent my day, I felt drained! I didn't feel like I was appreciated, I didn't feel like I was a person, and I DEFINITELY did not feel like Samantha.
I felt like a slug. I would sit on the couch waiting for my boyfriend to want to see me, hoping I would get at least one or two social interactions with him in a week. I felt so cut off from life, from reality, it was insane. I constantly felt like I was going to just crawl through my skin and out of my finger tips. I felt like I wasn't worth anyone's time, and worst of all he made me feel as though I would never be worth anyone's time.
Last valentines day I spent on my couch crying my eyes out because I had found out he had been lying to me and we were broken up. He dropped off flowers on my front porch as a sorry attempt to "fix everything." I was insulted to say the least, that he couldn't even knock on the door to say hello, to tell me happy valentines day, to tell me to my face that he was sorry for the countless and pointless lies he had been telling me.
Of course with how forgiving I am, I gave in. We got back together shortly after and things stayed the same as they were.
Ignore Sam, yell at Sam, lie to Sam, hang out with Sam for a couple hours, fight with Sam, lie to Sam, ignore Sam, forget Sam for a few days, repeat.
By May of last year, I completely lost who I was. I didn't know myself anymore. I had "friends" but I would never see them, rarely speak to them. I decided I wanted to change myself. I decided it was time I was happy. I remember thinking right after finals "If he ticks me off and treats me like shit one more time, I'm out." I grew the balls and told him that. I told him I wasn't kidding.
Of course threats from me used to be nothing, he knew this.
A week had gone by in July where he didn't see me, lied to me, and treated me like dirt. I remember telling him he needed to give me a sincere apology or it was over. I waited in my drive way, drinking strawberitas to drown out my anxiety and my feelings of being worthless. I waited for five hours. Finally he showed up to apologize after I called him and said it was over. He gave me some BS excuse and what not so of course I accepted it and let shit go, once again.
This time I really felt like nothing. Here I am, drinking my feelings away, crying in my backyard all because someone doesn't appreciate me around.
For a few weeks I kept asking to do things and kept getting told no. Kept getting told if I wanted to see him on certain days then I had no choice but to go to car shows with him, that if I didn't like doing what he wanted to do then to just not see him. So I decided that after asking repeatedly if my own boyfriend would be my date to a wedding, and being told no, that I was just going to tell him he had no choice. I knew this would set him off, and I was right. So during the fight he said "lets go, we're going to a car show" so I stopped him. I said "so you can tell me what I am going to do with you, but when I do the same thing I get yelled at?" Well he basically said yeah, that's how it goes in a relationship.
Two weeks went by of me being stressed with my own home responsibilities, then witnessing a drunk driving accident, I just wanted a little help. I just wanted him to come by and watch my dog while I go to a training for work and make me some mac and cheese for when I come home then spend some relaxing time together. (I hadn't seen him in this whole two week span). He told me no, that he was having dinner till 6 so he couldn't make it by before 8 to help me out with dinner. That no he wasn't going to see me in the next few days.
I found out his grandfather passed away so I ordered flowers and had them sent to the funeral home and I showed up for the service to pay my respects, this was the first time I had seen him in two weeks. He barely spoke to me, barely said goodbye, and really just dismissed me the whole time. I gave it a few days had found out he had been hanging out with friends despite telling me he had no time to spare for me, not even for an hour. I broke down and told him that if I didn't see him for even an hour before I went to bed for the night, he wouldn't have a girlfriend in the morning.
He didn't have a girlfriend in the morning.
(Later I also found out that after his grandfather's service, he went out to some club that night telling me he didn't want to do anything and just wanted to go to bed.)
I stuck up for myself for once. I poured my heart and soul out for the guy everyday from the moment I woke up till the moment I went to bed. I thought about him constantly. Every time I went to the store I ended up buying him something because it reminded me of him. I would leave him presents on his truck to find before he went to work in the morning, such as his favorite candy, even a birthday cake on his birthdays. I would surprise him at his work to drop him off his favorite foods when I knew he forgot a lunch for the day. I even so much as tailored my school schedule around his schedule so that it would be easier to do things together. I would typically spend my whole paycheck on him an hour after I got it taking him to dinner, or even at the mall picking clothes for him. Every chance I got, I spoiled the boy. That's not even half.
All I asked for was some time, and respect. Each of which I couldn't receive.
A month after breaking up he broke down and said we needed to get together to talk. After resistance on my part, I finally gave in and said ok. He told me after we broke up he went and looked at apartments to rent for just me, he went and met with a breeder of my favorite dog because he wanted to buy one for just me after getting me an apartment. He had also told me he went out to look at engagement rings for me (before breaking up we were together for close to 3 years).
Most girls would be ecstatic and jump right back in. I looked at him in disgust. It took him losing me to realize what he had. It took him spending a month not speaking to me at all for him to realize he wanted me around. He was throwing promises at me saying he would do anything I said in order to get us back, he would see me all the time, drop the bullshit, never lie, blah blah blah. I've heard it all before. The more he kept saying the more insulted I became. A month away from him made me realize my worth. It made me realize I am much more than what a boy "makes" me. I am my own person, I have friends, I have a life, I have feelings, people care about me, people like me for who I am not the things I do for them.
I turned it all down. I turned down everything I had been hoping and dreaming of in order to pursue a life provided by me, for me.
I have of course talked to other guys since. I am not settling for less than what I deserve. I will not date someone again until I know that they appreciate me. I will not subject myself to a relationship of constant use and abuse.
I've been slowly turning over the rocks in my life, rediscovering who I am. I've been able to get back into four wheeling, fishing, running, working out, having friends, going out occasionally and dancing and having fun with my friends. I've also finally been able to meet new people & make friends at school. I competed in the Miss New York USA pageant, I began hunting and shot my first black bear, I've gone on a mini road trip, and I've also started applying for jobs.
Everyday when I wake up, until the time I fall asleep, I feel complete. I feel this way because I finally love myself and who I am. I feel like a person, and I feel appreciated by those around me.
Finally I would like to thank all of my friends who stuck with me through those painful three years. I love you all more than anything. You've seen me at my lowest. You've seen me scream until I'm blue in the face. You've seen me ugly sob, probably more than once. You've also seen me accomplish things I thought would rip me apart. You stuck through it, and those are real friends, those are the friends who appreciate me and love me because I am me.
This valentines day I will be spending the evening with my friends, doing fun things together because they are my valentines. They have always been there, and after seven years, I know they will always be there. I don't think there's a better way to spend a valentines day.
