I started this blog so that I could vent when I had no one specific to speak to. So here it is.
I'm constantly hearing "time heals all." Which right away I can say that's bullshit. There's not a day that goes by that the knife in my heart doesn't cut a little deeper. I can't go more than 3 days with out shedding a tear, and not even 2 weeks with out a full out ugly screaming cry. I feel as though the pain could kill me.
My brother passed away when I was 12, as many people know. He was ten years old when Leukemia took his life, taking my best friend from me. To this day I still hear his 10 year old voice in my head screaming "SAAAAAM!!!" when I do something silly, or even when I'm upset and missing him.
I held him as he took his final breaths, the hardest thing I have ever done. So hard that I blacked out. To this day I do not remember saying goodbye to my brother and that haunts me. Living a life with out closure is just so hard.
People argue about what kind of death is harder on people, arguing that an abrupt accident is worse than an illness, but I beg to differ. Death is a hard thing to deal with no matter the circumstance around it. It's also not a competition on what is better, or worse. Frankly I get extremely offended when people say I should have moved on, or that I need to get over it. They don't understand.
To say I live a life free of regrets would be a lie. I regret way too much because at 10 years old you don't understand the true meaning behind "Sam, your brother has been diagnosed with cancer and he's probably not going to live." What do you mean "not going to live?" He's fine and breathing, sure he's in the hospital hooked up to constant medication, sometimes screaming and crying in pain, but why would MY BROTHER die? That couldn't possibly happen.
So I never took advantage of the little things. I would tell him no to playing video games, I would fight with him, yell at him, and I'm sure I didn't tell him ow much I loved him enough. I would get annoyed with hospital visits, I didn't like going there. You can tell me all you want that it's all just how kids at that age are. Sure maybe it is, but I wish I would have been different. A little more aware of the life in front of me slowly slipping away.
This pain has been getting worse now that I am a week from graduating. Hell the pain has been excruciating all semester. I can't watch videos of sick children (which is hard to avoid due to my internship with Make-A-Wish) because I break down in an ugly sob immediately. I can't watch star wars, look at cheese puffs, drive by La Nova, none of that.
I know it seems over dramatic, but let me tell you this. At 11 years old I walked into the bathroom to see my brother ripping his hair out. He was crying in aggravation because he was going to lose his hair for a second time due to chemo so he started ripping it out by hand so that he didn't have to wake up with it on his pillow. My nine year old brother was ripping his own hair out by hand in our home bathroom. That memory haunts the hell out of me. Imagine walking in on your younger sibling doing that and try telling me then that I'm too emotional.
Try watching a video of your younger sibling in the hospital pushing around an IV pole saying "these are all my medicines," WITH A SMILE ON THEIR FACE. WHO DESERVES THAT?!
As Shawn's older sister I did all I could possibly do to save his life, but medical advancements were just not on his side. All the time I think "why him, why wasn't it me? It should have been me." I wonder what he would be like today. He would be 19 years old cheering for me at my graduation, instead he's just a 10 year old little boy stuck in my memory.
As much as I wish I could take his place so that he could be living a life, I can't. I try to live my whole life in honor of him, everyday. I know a part of him is living inside of me, taking care of me, guiding me. It's just not the same when you can't give your best friend a hug.
I miss my best friend.
