I started this blog so that I could vent when I had no one specific to speak to. So here it is.
I'm constantly hearing "time heals all." Which right away I can say that's bullshit. There's not a day that goes by that the knife in my heart doesn't cut a little deeper. I can't go more than 3 days with out shedding a tear, and not even 2 weeks with out a full out ugly screaming cry. I feel as though the pain could kill me.
My brother passed away when I was 12, as many people know. He was ten years old when Leukemia took his life, taking my best friend from me. To this day I still hear his 10 year old voice in my head screaming "SAAAAAM!!!" when I do something silly, or even when I'm upset and missing him.
I held him as he took his final breaths, the hardest thing I have ever done. So hard that I blacked out. To this day I do not remember saying goodbye to my brother and that haunts me. Living a life with out closure is just so hard.
People argue about what kind of death is harder on people, arguing that an abrupt accident is worse than an illness, but I beg to differ. Death is a hard thing to deal with no matter the circumstance around it. It's also not a competition on what is better, or worse. Frankly I get extremely offended when people say I should have moved on, or that I need to get over it. They don't understand.
To say I live a life free of regrets would be a lie. I regret way too much because at 10 years old you don't understand the true meaning behind "Sam, your brother has been diagnosed with cancer and he's probably not going to live." What do you mean "not going to live?" He's fine and breathing, sure he's in the hospital hooked up to constant medication, sometimes screaming and crying in pain, but why would MY BROTHER die? That couldn't possibly happen.
So I never took advantage of the little things. I would tell him no to playing video games, I would fight with him, yell at him, and I'm sure I didn't tell him ow much I loved him enough. I would get annoyed with hospital visits, I didn't like going there. You can tell me all you want that it's all just how kids at that age are. Sure maybe it is, but I wish I would have been different. A little more aware of the life in front of me slowly slipping away.
This pain has been getting worse now that I am a week from graduating. Hell the pain has been excruciating all semester. I can't watch videos of sick children (which is hard to avoid due to my internship with Make-A-Wish) because I break down in an ugly sob immediately. I can't watch star wars, look at cheese puffs, drive by La Nova, none of that.
I know it seems over dramatic, but let me tell you this. At 11 years old I walked into the bathroom to see my brother ripping his hair out. He was crying in aggravation because he was going to lose his hair for a second time due to chemo so he started ripping it out by hand so that he didn't have to wake up with it on his pillow. My nine year old brother was ripping his own hair out by hand in our home bathroom. That memory haunts the hell out of me. Imagine walking in on your younger sibling doing that and try telling me then that I'm too emotional.
Try watching a video of your younger sibling in the hospital pushing around an IV pole saying "these are all my medicines," WITH A SMILE ON THEIR FACE. WHO DESERVES THAT?!
As Shawn's older sister I did all I could possibly do to save his life, but medical advancements were just not on his side. All the time I think "why him, why wasn't it me? It should have been me." I wonder what he would be like today. He would be 19 years old cheering for me at my graduation, instead he's just a 10 year old little boy stuck in my memory.
As much as I wish I could take his place so that he could be living a life, I can't. I try to live my whole life in honor of him, everyday. I know a part of him is living inside of me, taking care of me, guiding me. It's just not the same when you can't give your best friend a hug.
I miss my best friend.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
My valentine is...
With valentines day coming up I can't help but to think about how happy I am to not have a "boyfriend" to spend it with. By happy, I mean I truly happy. Why is this?
For far too long I let a boy run my life. He decided what was, or wasn't ok for me to do, what I was allowed to like, who my friends could be, when I could see my friends, basically how I spent my day, I felt drained! I didn't feel like I was appreciated, I didn't feel like I was a person, and I DEFINITELY did not feel like Samantha.
I felt like a slug. I would sit on the couch waiting for my boyfriend to want to see me, hoping I would get at least one or two social interactions with him in a week. I felt so cut off from life, from reality, it was insane. I constantly felt like I was going to just crawl through my skin and out of my finger tips. I felt like I wasn't worth anyone's time, and worst of all he made me feel as though I would never be worth anyone's time.
Last valentines day I spent on my couch crying my eyes out because I had found out he had been lying to me and we were broken up. He dropped off flowers on my front porch as a sorry attempt to "fix everything." I was insulted to say the least, that he couldn't even knock on the door to say hello, to tell me happy valentines day, to tell me to my face that he was sorry for the countless and pointless lies he had been telling me.
Of course with how forgiving I am, I gave in. We got back together shortly after and things stayed the same as they were.
Ignore Sam, yell at Sam, lie to Sam, hang out with Sam for a couple hours, fight with Sam, lie to Sam, ignore Sam, forget Sam for a few days, repeat.
By May of last year, I completely lost who I was. I didn't know myself anymore. I had "friends" but I would never see them, rarely speak to them. I decided I wanted to change myself. I decided it was time I was happy. I remember thinking right after finals "If he ticks me off and treats me like shit one more time, I'm out." I grew the balls and told him that. I told him I wasn't kidding.
Of course threats from me used to be nothing, he knew this.
A week had gone by in July where he didn't see me, lied to me, and treated me like dirt. I remember telling him he needed to give me a sincere apology or it was over. I waited in my drive way, drinking strawberitas to drown out my anxiety and my feelings of being worthless. I waited for five hours. Finally he showed up to apologize after I called him and said it was over. He gave me some BS excuse and what not so of course I accepted it and let shit go, once again.
This time I really felt like nothing. Here I am, drinking my feelings away, crying in my backyard all because someone doesn't appreciate me around.
For a few weeks I kept asking to do things and kept getting told no. Kept getting told if I wanted to see him on certain days then I had no choice but to go to car shows with him, that if I didn't like doing what he wanted to do then to just not see him. So I decided that after asking repeatedly if my own boyfriend would be my date to a wedding, and being told no, that I was just going to tell him he had no choice. I knew this would set him off, and I was right. So during the fight he said "lets go, we're going to a car show" so I stopped him. I said "so you can tell me what I am going to do with you, but when I do the same thing I get yelled at?" Well he basically said yeah, that's how it goes in a relationship.
Two weeks went by of me being stressed with my own home responsibilities, then witnessing a drunk driving accident, I just wanted a little help. I just wanted him to come by and watch my dog while I go to a training for work and make me some mac and cheese for when I come home then spend some relaxing time together. (I hadn't seen him in this whole two week span). He told me no, that he was having dinner till 6 so he couldn't make it by before 8 to help me out with dinner. That no he wasn't going to see me in the next few days.
I found out his grandfather passed away so I ordered flowers and had them sent to the funeral home and I showed up for the service to pay my respects, this was the first time I had seen him in two weeks. He barely spoke to me, barely said goodbye, and really just dismissed me the whole time. I gave it a few days had found out he had been hanging out with friends despite telling me he had no time to spare for me, not even for an hour. I broke down and told him that if I didn't see him for even an hour before I went to bed for the night, he wouldn't have a girlfriend in the morning.
He didn't have a girlfriend in the morning.
(Later I also found out that after his grandfather's service, he went out to some club that night telling me he didn't want to do anything and just wanted to go to bed.)
I stuck up for myself for once. I poured my heart and soul out for the guy everyday from the moment I woke up till the moment I went to bed. I thought about him constantly. Every time I went to the store I ended up buying him something because it reminded me of him. I would leave him presents on his truck to find before he went to work in the morning, such as his favorite candy, even a birthday cake on his birthdays. I would surprise him at his work to drop him off his favorite foods when I knew he forgot a lunch for the day. I even so much as tailored my school schedule around his schedule so that it would be easier to do things together. I would typically spend my whole paycheck on him an hour after I got it taking him to dinner, or even at the mall picking clothes for him. Every chance I got, I spoiled the boy. That's not even half.
All I asked for was some time, and respect. Each of which I couldn't receive.
A month after breaking up he broke down and said we needed to get together to talk. After resistance on my part, I finally gave in and said ok. He told me after we broke up he went and looked at apartments to rent for just me, he went and met with a breeder of my favorite dog because he wanted to buy one for just me after getting me an apartment. He had also told me he went out to look at engagement rings for me (before breaking up we were together for close to 3 years).
Most girls would be ecstatic and jump right back in. I looked at him in disgust. It took him losing me to realize what he had. It took him spending a month not speaking to me at all for him to realize he wanted me around. He was throwing promises at me saying he would do anything I said in order to get us back, he would see me all the time, drop the bullshit, never lie, blah blah blah. I've heard it all before. The more he kept saying the more insulted I became. A month away from him made me realize my worth. It made me realize I am much more than what a boy "makes" me. I am my own person, I have friends, I have a life, I have feelings, people care about me, people like me for who I am not the things I do for them.
I turned it all down. I turned down everything I had been hoping and dreaming of in order to pursue a life provided by me, for me.
I have of course talked to other guys since. I am not settling for less than what I deserve. I will not date someone again until I know that they appreciate me. I will not subject myself to a relationship of constant use and abuse.
I've been slowly turning over the rocks in my life, rediscovering who I am. I've been able to get back into four wheeling, fishing, running, working out, having friends, going out occasionally and dancing and having fun with my friends. I've also finally been able to meet new people & make friends at school. I competed in the Miss New York USA pageant, I began hunting and shot my first black bear, I've gone on a mini road trip, and I've also started applying for jobs.
Everyday when I wake up, until the time I fall asleep, I feel complete. I feel this way because I finally love myself and who I am. I feel like a person, and I feel appreciated by those around me.
Finally I would like to thank all of my friends who stuck with me through those painful three years. I love you all more than anything. You've seen me at my lowest. You've seen me scream until I'm blue in the face. You've seen me ugly sob, probably more than once. You've also seen me accomplish things I thought would rip me apart. You stuck through it, and those are real friends, those are the friends who appreciate me and love me because I am me.
This valentines day I will be spending the evening with my friends, doing fun things together because they are my valentines. They have always been there, and after seven years, I know they will always be there. I don't think there's a better way to spend a valentines day.
For far too long I let a boy run my life. He decided what was, or wasn't ok for me to do, what I was allowed to like, who my friends could be, when I could see my friends, basically how I spent my day, I felt drained! I didn't feel like I was appreciated, I didn't feel like I was a person, and I DEFINITELY did not feel like Samantha.
I felt like a slug. I would sit on the couch waiting for my boyfriend to want to see me, hoping I would get at least one or two social interactions with him in a week. I felt so cut off from life, from reality, it was insane. I constantly felt like I was going to just crawl through my skin and out of my finger tips. I felt like I wasn't worth anyone's time, and worst of all he made me feel as though I would never be worth anyone's time.
Last valentines day I spent on my couch crying my eyes out because I had found out he had been lying to me and we were broken up. He dropped off flowers on my front porch as a sorry attempt to "fix everything." I was insulted to say the least, that he couldn't even knock on the door to say hello, to tell me happy valentines day, to tell me to my face that he was sorry for the countless and pointless lies he had been telling me.
Of course with how forgiving I am, I gave in. We got back together shortly after and things stayed the same as they were.
Ignore Sam, yell at Sam, lie to Sam, hang out with Sam for a couple hours, fight with Sam, lie to Sam, ignore Sam, forget Sam for a few days, repeat.
By May of last year, I completely lost who I was. I didn't know myself anymore. I had "friends" but I would never see them, rarely speak to them. I decided I wanted to change myself. I decided it was time I was happy. I remember thinking right after finals "If he ticks me off and treats me like shit one more time, I'm out." I grew the balls and told him that. I told him I wasn't kidding.
Of course threats from me used to be nothing, he knew this.
A week had gone by in July where he didn't see me, lied to me, and treated me like dirt. I remember telling him he needed to give me a sincere apology or it was over. I waited in my drive way, drinking strawberitas to drown out my anxiety and my feelings of being worthless. I waited for five hours. Finally he showed up to apologize after I called him and said it was over. He gave me some BS excuse and what not so of course I accepted it and let shit go, once again.
This time I really felt like nothing. Here I am, drinking my feelings away, crying in my backyard all because someone doesn't appreciate me around.
For a few weeks I kept asking to do things and kept getting told no. Kept getting told if I wanted to see him on certain days then I had no choice but to go to car shows with him, that if I didn't like doing what he wanted to do then to just not see him. So I decided that after asking repeatedly if my own boyfriend would be my date to a wedding, and being told no, that I was just going to tell him he had no choice. I knew this would set him off, and I was right. So during the fight he said "lets go, we're going to a car show" so I stopped him. I said "so you can tell me what I am going to do with you, but when I do the same thing I get yelled at?" Well he basically said yeah, that's how it goes in a relationship.
Two weeks went by of me being stressed with my own home responsibilities, then witnessing a drunk driving accident, I just wanted a little help. I just wanted him to come by and watch my dog while I go to a training for work and make me some mac and cheese for when I come home then spend some relaxing time together. (I hadn't seen him in this whole two week span). He told me no, that he was having dinner till 6 so he couldn't make it by before 8 to help me out with dinner. That no he wasn't going to see me in the next few days.
I found out his grandfather passed away so I ordered flowers and had them sent to the funeral home and I showed up for the service to pay my respects, this was the first time I had seen him in two weeks. He barely spoke to me, barely said goodbye, and really just dismissed me the whole time. I gave it a few days had found out he had been hanging out with friends despite telling me he had no time to spare for me, not even for an hour. I broke down and told him that if I didn't see him for even an hour before I went to bed for the night, he wouldn't have a girlfriend in the morning.
He didn't have a girlfriend in the morning.
(Later I also found out that after his grandfather's service, he went out to some club that night telling me he didn't want to do anything and just wanted to go to bed.)
I stuck up for myself for once. I poured my heart and soul out for the guy everyday from the moment I woke up till the moment I went to bed. I thought about him constantly. Every time I went to the store I ended up buying him something because it reminded me of him. I would leave him presents on his truck to find before he went to work in the morning, such as his favorite candy, even a birthday cake on his birthdays. I would surprise him at his work to drop him off his favorite foods when I knew he forgot a lunch for the day. I even so much as tailored my school schedule around his schedule so that it would be easier to do things together. I would typically spend my whole paycheck on him an hour after I got it taking him to dinner, or even at the mall picking clothes for him. Every chance I got, I spoiled the boy. That's not even half.
All I asked for was some time, and respect. Each of which I couldn't receive.
A month after breaking up he broke down and said we needed to get together to talk. After resistance on my part, I finally gave in and said ok. He told me after we broke up he went and looked at apartments to rent for just me, he went and met with a breeder of my favorite dog because he wanted to buy one for just me after getting me an apartment. He had also told me he went out to look at engagement rings for me (before breaking up we were together for close to 3 years).
Most girls would be ecstatic and jump right back in. I looked at him in disgust. It took him losing me to realize what he had. It took him spending a month not speaking to me at all for him to realize he wanted me around. He was throwing promises at me saying he would do anything I said in order to get us back, he would see me all the time, drop the bullshit, never lie, blah blah blah. I've heard it all before. The more he kept saying the more insulted I became. A month away from him made me realize my worth. It made me realize I am much more than what a boy "makes" me. I am my own person, I have friends, I have a life, I have feelings, people care about me, people like me for who I am not the things I do for them.
I turned it all down. I turned down everything I had been hoping and dreaming of in order to pursue a life provided by me, for me.
I have of course talked to other guys since. I am not settling for less than what I deserve. I will not date someone again until I know that they appreciate me. I will not subject myself to a relationship of constant use and abuse.
I've been slowly turning over the rocks in my life, rediscovering who I am. I've been able to get back into four wheeling, fishing, running, working out, having friends, going out occasionally and dancing and having fun with my friends. I've also finally been able to meet new people & make friends at school. I competed in the Miss New York USA pageant, I began hunting and shot my first black bear, I've gone on a mini road trip, and I've also started applying for jobs.
Everyday when I wake up, until the time I fall asleep, I feel complete. I feel this way because I finally love myself and who I am. I feel like a person, and I feel appreciated by those around me.
Finally I would like to thank all of my friends who stuck with me through those painful three years. I love you all more than anything. You've seen me at my lowest. You've seen me scream until I'm blue in the face. You've seen me ugly sob, probably more than once. You've also seen me accomplish things I thought would rip me apart. You stuck through it, and those are real friends, those are the friends who appreciate me and love me because I am me.
This valentines day I will be spending the evening with my friends, doing fun things together because they are my valentines. They have always been there, and after seven years, I know they will always be there. I don't think there's a better way to spend a valentines day.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Today I was faced with a challenge. I had to introduce myself to a classroom of 25 students. I had to tell them my name, my year, my major, where I am from, and a unique thing about me. OK, to most that's not an issue. As soon as I heard the first word "introduce" I nearly fell out of my seat not able to breathe.
Welcome to my world of social anxiety.
I don't know any of these kids, I am only going to be in a class with them for three weeks and probably never see them again because UB is so large. So why am I freaking out? Yeah I'd like to know the same thing.
Anytime I have to talk to someone I do not know, introduce myself, or even breathe in front of a group of people I feel as though I am dying. It's an awful adrenaline rush. I can almost feel it running through my veins. I start shaking, I can barely breathe, I can't talk or think straight, and I am sure I look like I am going to cry. That is probably what death feels like.
I somehow mumbled through that I am Samantha, a senior studying sociology with a concentration in health & society, that I am from Niagara Falls, I will be going back to school for airplane mechanics, and that I am competitive, that's what makes me unique. I could barely get half of the words out and I could feel myself trembling and it's so embarrassing because I am sure everyone could see it. It took me 10 minutes after the fact to stop shaking and then my headache began. Once all of the adrenaline is out of my system, it never fails I get a headache.
Still to this moment I am trying to figure out what everyone thought of me. Did they think I am a complete idiot, the way I felt? Did they notice how nervous and anxious I was? Did they think I was cracked out? Or did anyone even think "Hey, maybe I want to get to know her"? Yeah probably not.
The thing is, that's only one instance. This happens to me all of the time. It is something I avoid at all costs.
So what does that mean?
That means I have very few friends. I don't really go outside of my circle. I don't introduce myself to new people. I'll see a guy I'm interested in and just walk away, completely regretting it and beating myself up over it for days. I won't even ask my closest friends to hang out for fear of rejection. It has consumed my everyday. Sometimes I have to talk myself into leaving the house.
I have always had anxiety to some extent, but it has gotten worse since December of my senior year of high school, which I am sure some of you have heard about but I am really not going to elaborate.
I am trying to better myself. I want to get rid of my anxiety. I want people to see me for who I really am and not think I'm that shy girl who doesn't know how to talk. I want the room to light up when I walk in it, I don't want to feel like dying.
This is why I am doing the pageant. I need to thrust myself out of my comfort zone. I will have to stand on stage in front of a crap ton of people in an evening gown and a bikini. I am probably going to black out, I just hope I don't fall flat on my face.
Welcome to my world of social anxiety.
I don't know any of these kids, I am only going to be in a class with them for three weeks and probably never see them again because UB is so large. So why am I freaking out? Yeah I'd like to know the same thing.
Anytime I have to talk to someone I do not know, introduce myself, or even breathe in front of a group of people I feel as though I am dying. It's an awful adrenaline rush. I can almost feel it running through my veins. I start shaking, I can barely breathe, I can't talk or think straight, and I am sure I look like I am going to cry. That is probably what death feels like.
I somehow mumbled through that I am Samantha, a senior studying sociology with a concentration in health & society, that I am from Niagara Falls, I will be going back to school for airplane mechanics, and that I am competitive, that's what makes me unique. I could barely get half of the words out and I could feel myself trembling and it's so embarrassing because I am sure everyone could see it. It took me 10 minutes after the fact to stop shaking and then my headache began. Once all of the adrenaline is out of my system, it never fails I get a headache.
Still to this moment I am trying to figure out what everyone thought of me. Did they think I am a complete idiot, the way I felt? Did they notice how nervous and anxious I was? Did they think I was cracked out? Or did anyone even think "Hey, maybe I want to get to know her"? Yeah probably not.
The thing is, that's only one instance. This happens to me all of the time. It is something I avoid at all costs.
So what does that mean?
That means I have very few friends. I don't really go outside of my circle. I don't introduce myself to new people. I'll see a guy I'm interested in and just walk away, completely regretting it and beating myself up over it for days. I won't even ask my closest friends to hang out for fear of rejection. It has consumed my everyday. Sometimes I have to talk myself into leaving the house.
I have always had anxiety to some extent, but it has gotten worse since December of my senior year of high school, which I am sure some of you have heard about but I am really not going to elaborate.
I am trying to better myself. I want to get rid of my anxiety. I want people to see me for who I really am and not think I'm that shy girl who doesn't know how to talk. I want the room to light up when I walk in it, I don't want to feel like dying.
This is why I am doing the pageant. I need to thrust myself out of my comfort zone. I will have to stand on stage in front of a crap ton of people in an evening gown and a bikini. I am probably going to black out, I just hope I don't fall flat on my face.
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