Words Last Forever.

We have all heard the famous "don't say anything on the internet you would wish you hadn't of said. It's there forever you know." Well, the internet isn't the only thing that will let your words haunt you. Your conscience will.

I'm sure those of you reading this who have a sibling can recall a time where you've said "I wish you were never born!" Or you've at least thought it. We all have, and children definitely don't have much of a filter. 

This is one memory I struggle with.

I remember sitting in my brothers room with him one day, I was maybe seven at the time making him five. We were doing something, as to what I can't remember, and he aggravated me so I blurted out "I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!"

Well, this was short lived because he immediately started screaming and crying so I put my hand over his mouth (so my mother didn't hear) and I apologized and told him I didn't mean it. I told him I loved him and I loved having a little brother.

So what's the big deal?

My brother died five years later from acute lymphoblastic leukemia paired with the Philadelphia chromosome. It's been nine years since I've spent a Christmas with him, I haven't been able to buy him Christmas gifts, and I haven't been able to hear "I love you Sam."

When I go to visit my brother I have to go to the cemetery. When I think of my brother I see an image that hasn't changed at all in eight and a half years. I can barely remember what his voice sounded like, or what a hug from him felt like. 

What I do remember though are the blood chilling screams he had from pain. I remember him being too sick to move off of the couch. I remember his seizures the days prior to his passing. I remember being woken up to say my last goodbyes to Shawn. 

I do not remember his last breath. I do not remember holding him as he took his last breath.

I no longer have a brother. It's been just me since. Sometimes I dream he's alive and I'll wake up and cry for days not leaving my bed. It doesn't get easier, you just learn to hide it better.

My point is, no matter how stressed, angry, aggravated, or sad you are, just think "Will these words haunt me the rest of my life?" 

Every single day those words I said to my brother run through my head. I remember it like it just happened. I wish I never said those words. If there's one regret I have in life, it's that.

This holiday season, tell your siblings you love them. It could be the last Christmas you spend with them.